Even though we're quite settled in Independence, I'm keeping the name of this blog the same. I'm an Army brat and an Air Force wife...the road has been my life. No sense in denying it simply because I'm permanent for the moment.
2014 has been the absolute worst year of my life. I thought the year my parents divorced was the worst...and it was indeed bad, but this one takes the cake.
To start off with, I came to the realization that I did not fit into the world I thought I would. There were elements of happiness associated with my life in Louisiana, but not enough to keep plugging along. Old friends didn't get me and I didn't get, or didn't want to get them. I couldn't find a job. I felt the days, weeks, months, and years just slipping by.
Derron was unhappy too so we decided to make a big, bold change. My mother and my sisters, Erin and Mari, were living in Oregon. Derron liked the thought of living somewhere with four seasons and terrain, so we made the move.
Living in a 31 foot RV for 6 months was as close to hell as I ever want to be. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. But we made it. Derron found work, I found what I'd hoped would be a steady job, and we found a house in a wonderful small town. I started making some new, wonderful friends. I got involved in causes and efforts that fed my soul.
Then my father died.
Like most people my age, I'd lost my grandparents. I miss them all. But being an Army brat, I didn't see them often. And even though today I think of them all almost daily, their deaths didn't hit me in the way my father's did.
I can not explain the sense of finality that comes over you when you lose someone that's been such a huge part of your life...in my case, oftentimes more in the physical than emotional sense. He died in July. I know it will take a long time before I "get over" it. But almost every day I hear myself say these words in my head..."My dad is dead". I do not know why I find that so incredulous.
We had to endure the memorial in July and then the internment in October. It's made for a very rough summer/fall.
The job I thought would be steady is not. So I took a temporary position with the state Democratic party. It's now over and thus, the job hunt begins again. I am way too old for this. It's so hard to keep putting yourself out there. I find the more I try, the more I want to lock myself in the house and wish the world away.
And now...basically on the eve of Thanksgiving, my mother and sister, Erin's, long standing feud has begun anew. It's more than I can bear. It makes me so thankful that I have Derron in my life. He does everything I ask...goes everywhere I want to go...he's so easy and accommodating. Knowing he's in my corner, on one hand, buoys me, and on the other, makes me want to pull inward even more. He's the one person I have in my life that I know will always be there. He'll always take my crap, hug me when I cry, and tell me when I'm wrong.
My family has never been ideal. It's never been the picture of happiness. We have memories but so many of them are sad, harsh, wrought with strife, and of so much time spent apart. I spent time today writing Christmas cards, wishing all my friends much happiness...when will happiness fill my life again?
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